Survival Tip: The Schizo

I remember when I was a grade schooler: I was incredibly and almost witlessly touchy, and almost everyone got on my nerves when I wasn't feeling sociable. I was a misanthrope, in a sense. I did not exactly enjoy the company of drab persons and I was very picky with friends. I also got into a number of physical encounters with boys (yes, boys) because I had this stand-up attitude and mentality that had me telling myself, I should never get bullied.


Once, I had a seat mate whom we shall call Jerome for confidentiality's sake. I was in third grade, I think. We were doing an activity when all of a sudden he turned his head to me and started staring. I had no idea what he was getting at, but it was really ticking me off. I waited about a minute or two for him to stop. To his misfortune, he probably forgot how to pivot his head back to his assignment, and in my irritation I ended up socking his right cheek. Socking, in a girl's terminology, is slapping, of course. It was all a blur after that because it happened fast (but not fast enough for the teacher not to step in). Jerome decided even a girl could not be passed off as a substitute for work-out equipment, so he started pulling on my hair and my head with it. It was very disturbing to look at, I would give him that, but his pseudo-tantrum didn't last long. I was crying when the teacher arrived at the crime scene and nowadays, every time I recall that incident, I can't stop laughing. At that moment I crossed action movie star out of my list of possible careers.

As you can see, I learned that violence is the worst way to settle things the hard way. Learn from my mistakes, lassies. Almost every month I harbored some kind of injury from school because I was both a klutz and a gutsy kid. So, when I reached high school, I formulated a way to deal with people who get on your nerves. I call it the Schizo.

All you need is your mind and a considerable amount of kung fu movie knowledge. The perpetrators always start with verbal bullets. Your first line of defense is the ability to block out whatever they are saying. An effective method is to look away from them and focus on one thing. You can look at an empty chair, or perhaps your crush's socks, or someone's head of curly man-eating hair. I recommend the last. You can really get lost in those mad curls of doom.

Once you have established a kind of ESP connection with a random inanimate object, you have to fabricate a place where you can torture the perpetrators in your mind. In your mind, I repeat, not on a piece of paper that happens to lie in front of you. You can try the ever-classic incinerator, or the biology lab; maybe even your cat's litter box.

The third step is to choose your weapon. Spoons are quite useful despite the way they look. I twice dreamed  of people getting beaten up with spoons. I don't know how my dream guru does it, though. You can also use wasabi. It's just plain nasty.

Finally, you are ready to imagine the epic fight scene between you and your perpetrators. I won't tell you how it should go because the whole thing will just get spoiled. You won't have much fun then. Use your kung fu movie knowledge and James Bond kicks. Add in some colorful vocabulary if you're in the mood. I tell you, the Schizo method is very useful. It's basically foolproof! The best part is, you win all the time.