Good Morning, Sunshine

It is imperative that you know how I operate in the morning.

I am not a morning person-- definitely not a morning person. I don't necessarily hate mornings, or the connotations of new life, songs of birds and bad breath, but I get cranky to the point of mindlessly bumping into things just to get them out of my way. I don't wake up like actresses do in television. In fact, my morning routine is so methodical it's already robotic. Of course, there wouldn't be anything wrong with being a robot if my mind operated like one, too.


One of my beliefs, and I'm proud to say I am not a hypocrite when it comes to this, is that a person's day is predetermined by the flow of events in the morning. That is, if one had woken up on the more threatening side of the bed (or worse, on the floor), that person would have a bad day. It's superstitious and stupid but most of the time the theory works.

(From the former paragraph, you can also derive the fact that I am partially pessimistic.)

Hence, the morning routine:

1 (The night before) Set mobile phone on alarm at five forty-five. (The morning after) When the alarm rings, set it on snooze for ten minutes. Repeat process for a number of times until you realize you will be late if you don't get up A.S.A.P. Stretch limbs thrice, roll on the bed, then sit up and massage temples. If you had a nightmare, pinch yourself. Otherwise, proceed to step 2.

2 (To the bathroom) Your mindset will still be misanthropic so make sure you don't encounter other people on the way to the bathroom. In the event that you do encounter someone, and he or she begins to strike what you think is a conversation, say "Good morning" as a prerequisite salutation. Let him or her talk, maintain eye contact, and mumble "I know, right" every now and then while simultaneously nodding your head at random parts of the monologue. Make a face suggesting that you have to answer the call of your kidneys and depart saying, "I don't want to ruin your rug by peeing on it."

3 (Showering) Sing Gaga's most recent singles: first softly, then increase volume as time goes on. (Other parts have been omitted because the process of bathing and changing are both very complicated. More importantly, talking about them is awkward.)

4 (Breakfast) Put on a sour face to avoid possible conversations with people. Eat as fast and quietly as you can. Food and grogginess isn't exactly the best combination.

How do you act during mornings? Worse than I, perhaps?