Grandma Vs. Spider

It had been a gorgeous day. I woke up to my alarm without putting it on snooze for three hours, I had seven hours of sweet sleep and I had the pleasure of watching a HappySlip MV my friend posted on his wall. Oh, yeah, it had been a gorgeous day-- until I went to YouTube and found this video:





What's uglier than spiders? Oh, right. Aside from ill-fated genetics gone wrong, nothing. Nothing is uglier than a fragmented, furry torso with eight crooked legs glued to it. Ew.

I've always had this irrational fear of spiders, which isn't as irrational anymore because I've discovered many people hate them. Why would anyone want to create something as vile and revolting as that? I remember the time I encountered the biggest spider I've seen so far. I was ten and innocent. All I knew of the world were Barbie dolls and Barbie doll picnic sets, the color pink, my favorite teddy bear and my schmancy set of clothes. But God decided to test my adaptation skills and placed a spider in the living room. I was scared like scheiße. It was bigger than my entire hand and its color challenged that of rotting corpses. It even looked like a corpse except it was running around with eight nasty broken barbecue sticks for legs. I immediately ran to the sofa (first rule against spiders: elevation is temporary but surefire safety) and hauled myself onto it. Then I grabbed one of my flip-flops, aimed carefully and jerked my arm, sending the flip-flop to the demise of the spider. (Second rule: Projectiles are your primary defense and offense!) But given my motor skills, the spider managed to escape. It went under the dining table. I was dead, for sure. If it came to me in my sleep, literally, and I woke up with it on my bed, I'm not sure if I could still be writing this entry right now.

That led me to my last resort. Third rule: Send in backup. Backup, as in, older, much more experienced people. Luckily my grandmother was there and she, with her superior Grandma fury and arachnid-slaughter expertise, instantly wiped off the spider from existence with a whip of her slippers.

And that is how my grandmother and I became partners-in-crime.