No! I paid for this!

I love film festivals. It's one of the rare times when I am not compelled to look back at movie posters I just passed by and think, I feel sorry for the producer or That movie title was probably the idea of the director's five-year-old son --

-- but wait, what is this monstrosity? This year's selections for the 2011 Metro Manila Film Festival are, what, the digital equivalent of indigestion?


I have no right to say this, of course, as I have watched only one out of the seven entries to the film fest. The odds of me stumbling across the (possibly) worst film is one out of seven. Apparently, Wednesday was a very unlucky day for me.

Let me begin with a desperate cry: Joyce Bernal, why did you succumb to your nonexistent calling to be a horror-suspense film director? Why did you taint the magnificence of film festivals with a cliched, over-dramatized rendition of the usual villain-is-among-you formula? Why, of all things, would a bag in the wrong shade of red be significantly symbolic in the film? Most importantly, why did you disappoint us by using a good title?

I do not fully comprehend the way the Cinema Evaluation Board of the Philippines grades movies. Really, an A for a movie with effects reminiscent of American fantasy films circa 1980? I'm an advocate of local films but to consider this movie an entry to MMFF 2011 is almost an insult to the viewers.

The poster design features the three main actors smeared with hot sauce. Very kinky!
Source: Wikipedia

The movie begins in a rainy setting. The road is slippery and Angelica Panganiban is driving her outdated car with Rico Blanco riding shotgun. To our dismay, they aren't in Taylor Swift's Our Song music video. Rico Blanco, the other man, is shouting at Angelica, the wife. Seconds later he grabs her hair and starts a lousy bisexual catfight. Enter the husband Dingdong Dantes, whose screen name is just as appalling as Kris Aquino's skin tone, who attacks both Rico Blanco and Angelica Panganiban. Angelica is killed, Rico is left somewhere under the pouring rain with a head concussion, and Dingdong returns home to his daughter.

By logic, Angelica is the multo or ghost. For now, we assume she is vengeful. Later on this assumption will be neglected because, as per tradition, the seemingly vengeful ghost is actually kind. So Bernal gives us Pinoys a twist. Pinoys love twists.

The protagonist Kris Aquino is a shopkeeper who sells antiques. She is, of course, lonely enough to fall in love with a guy who has a violent streak. Angelica Panganiban, being a victim of Dingdong Dantes' psychotic issues, tries to save Kris from possible death by making appearances through a spiritual attachment with her handbag and her dress. Well, of course she wouldn't listen to you, Angelica! You're a ghost in dire need of iron pills and a facial! Silly girl.

Using horror film formula number two (the first one involves the ghost being evil), the film ends in Kris killing Dingdong with the heroic aid of Angelica's ghost. There is also a twist somewhere there but I feel so bad for wasting two hours on the film that I am going to leave you all curious as to what the final twist is.

Needless to say, the film is predictable. The effects are a headache. Suspense-wise, my adrenaline levels were still normal by the time I got out of the theater. Post-movie trauma? None. I applaud Dingdong Dantes, however, for giving his role some justice and Bangs Garcia for her wild, awkward arm-flailing.

Cheers to the freaking film fest.