Write Your Own Haiku!

What is a better way to express your amusement at elementary reading classes and self-help books than through satire?

The aspiring intellectual's guide on writing a haiku


1. The haiku is all about imagery so tinkering with your imagination is the number one priority here. Most haiku (yes, that is the plural form of "haiku") praise the beauty of nature. Considering the Earth currently looks like an oversized gutter, you might want to broaden your imaginative horizons a bit more.

2. Focus on only one thing you can find in the environment. The moon, for instance, is the perfect source of inspiration for poets but since you're an aspiring intellectual and are aiming to start a new literary movement, try something different. Or scandalous -- critics will hate you but the succeeding generation will worship your poems. Art works that way. Remember Manet and Rauschenberg? Yes. Exactly.

(Something different; e.g., your teacher's goatee)

If you want to be more daring, you can write about truth. Everyone likes writing about the truth.

3. The haiku has three lines, and the number of syllables corresponds to 5-7-5. You can't change that, unfortunately, because the Japanese are strict.

4. The first line should contain your topic. For instance, if you are writing about your teacher's goatee, it should go like these:

My teacher's goatee

Now you have your first line! Doesn't that excite you?

5. The second line describes the topic. E.g.,

My teacher's goatee

Glued on his chin like whipped cream

6. The last line, of course, should be something totally irrelevant to the poem but somehow deep-sounding:

My teacher's goatee

Glued on his chin like whipped cream --

The truth still haunts me.

Oh, boy. My elementary teacher will be so proud of me.