She Lives

If only this came with a "Dress for the future" edition

I have been constantly complaining about how awful last school year was for me. In both semesters, I earned the lowest grade average in my entire academic life and had to take removal exams (yes, in both semesters, one for advanced Calculus and the other for organic chemistry). Anyone of you who knew me in elementary and/or high school will find this hard to believe; I am not being conceited, but I was always one of the better, if not the best, students. I say this with basis.

When one graduates from my high school, he or she is expected to take a science-related course in college and enter the workforce as a contributor to the technological and physical development of the country, since my high school is a semi-public school for the sciences. I always had high marks in science and math during grade school so I thought studying in a science high school would secure my future, which, predictably, it should.


College application forms were handed out before I became mature and experienced enough to know and decide what I would want to do for the rest of my life as a career, not as a job. Because everyone else wants this, and because I love studying Biology, I settled on "wanting" to become a doctor.

To be honest, I am very interested in the field of medicine. Doctors have always projected this immaculate image to me, even as a child, and I wanted to become one as well. Genuinely. Unlike some of the people I know who are also taking pre-medicine courses, I do not want the money that comes from treating patients. I want the glory. I want to feel the overwhelming sense of satisfaction that comes from helping humanity, because alone, I do not feel that much.

And still, with hesitation I say that writing is my ultimate source of fulfillment. I realized that too late; I am already in my third year in college as a Chemistry major. Although I owe to the sciences my first encounter with fascination (as a child I read more encyclopedias than Goosebumps books), the arts and literature gave me my first taste of contentment from life. And that is what we all want to achieve: a stable state of contentment. While most find it in money, I find it in creating.

(So) Right now, I am in the process of putting my life back together. I can do it in increments. I have been a big mess since halfway through my freshman year in college. I thought I wanted to be a doctor, and I kept telling myself that because I was scared that I would not have anything else to "become" in the future. I was afraid of the time that might come when I would regret every decision I had made. I was afraid of not being as successful as everyone else, of being looked at and being told that "You simply are not enough." This is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.

Slowly, I am regaining control of myself and of my mind, and I actually already have (seemingly) concrete plans for after I graduate. I know what I want now. And I am going to obtain it by the best way I have learned through the years: the scientific method.